{"id":1855,"date":"2012-03-16T09:10:06","date_gmt":"2012-03-16T13:10:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/?p=1855"},"modified":"2012-03-15T23:52:38","modified_gmt":"2012-03-16T03:52:38","slug":"the-ways-we-struggle-jessica-spotswood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/2012\/03\/16\/the-ways-we-struggle-jessica-spotswood\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ways We Struggle – Jessica Spotswood"},"content":{"rendered":"

Click here for an explanation of the The Ways We Struggle guest post series<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please welcome author Jessica Spotswood<\/a>, whose debut YA novel Born Wicked<\/i><\/a> was released last month! Jessica grew up in a tiny one-stoplight town in Pennsylvania, where she could be found swimming, playing clarinet, memorizing lines for the school play, or — most often — with her nose in a book. Now she lives in Washington, DC with her brilliant playwright husband and a cuddly cat named Monkey. And today she talks about how she’s struggled with and found ways to tackle her anxiety disorder.<\/p>\n

     <\/center><\/p>\n

The Way I Struggle by Jessica Spotswood<\/font><\/center><\/p>\n

I was twenty-seven when I was officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and started taking medication to help control it. It gave name to something I\u2019ve struggled with since I was a little girl. The more I chatted with my therapist, the more I realized how much of me was wrapped up in being anxious: my need to please, my conflict-avoidance, my perfectionistic tendencies, my dislike of the unknown or any deviation from routine. I\u2019ve always had a bit of a death-grip on control.<\/p>\n

The medication helps. I fought against the idea of needing it, felt shamed (see: perfectionist). But it quiets the worries that circle my brain like vultures. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s coincidence that a few months after I started taking Lexapro, I started writing fiction again for the first time in years. Without that incessant anxious chatter, there was suddenly much more space in my mind \u2014 space for stories and characters to grow. <\/p>\n

But to say I am cured would be a lie. I have good days and bad \u2014 sometimes good weeks and bad. Publishing is not always an ideal career choice for a girl who loves to know what to expect (um, understatement?). I never know what to expect. A debut year feels like bumbling through a funhouse blindfolded. After publication, I had no control over reader\u2019s reviews, or trade reviews, or what anyone thinks of the words I\u2019ve so painstakingly crafted. I can\u2019t control my book\u2019s sales, or whether it hits the NYT list, or whether movie rights will sell, or whether I\u2019ll be sent to this conference or invited to that event, no matter how much I may want those things. I don\u2019t know when my day will be totally rearranged by an email from my editor with an idea or an exciting piece of news to reveal. <\/p>\n

Sometimes that feels exciting. I am, after all, doing what I\u2019ve always wanted to do! But sometimes, the worries and uncertainties seem to multiply into a swarm. The kind of compartmentalization one needs to separate the creative from the business, the writing from the publishing, the joys from the stresses \u2014 it is hard for me to come by. And on those days, I try to remember that my brain is a bit more easily overwhelmed than most, and I journal and read and wait it out. I am still learning, slowly, that exercise and productive tasks \u2014 and writing, if I can manage it \u2014 are always better than the shadow-comforts of cheese fries and naps and wine. <\/p>\n

The biggest challenge was finding out that I was going on tour. I was flattered to be asked to do a few East Coast bookseller dinners and to join the Breathless Reads tour. But for a girl who organizes things relentlessly \u2014 well, not getting an itinerary until a week out drove me mad. I didn\u2019t know what to expect from school visits, having never been to one as either author or student. I\u2019d only been to a few author events at local stores. I couldn\u2019t picture anything. Cue the anxiety! I was basically terrified for weeks beforehand. I couldn\u2019t shut off the static worry and write. I had an upset stomach for days. And to top it all off, I was furious with myself, ashamed that I couldn\u2019t push away the nerves and just be excited already! I remember piteously telling my husband I didn\u2019t want to go, that I just wanted to stay home. And meanwhile, everyone else was so excited for me! It was mortifying. <\/p>\n

But the thing about anxiety \u2014 the thing I know, but I sometimes lose sight of \u2014 is that I can wait it out. The \u201cOmg! Scary!\u201d signals from my brain only last so long. The first week of tour was rough, a jangle of nerves and early-morning flights and stress. But by the second week, I knew more or less what to expect. Each event, each flight, was a little different, but I found a routine in it. And as I kept surviving, and grew to expect that I would survive the next day too, I started to actually have fun. And I suspect (hope?) that my career will go like this too \u2014 that every book will be different, but with each I will know a little more about what to expect, and that my confidence in surviving the ups and downs and uncertainties of a life in publishing will grow, too. <\/p>\n

View all the The Ways We Struggle posts so far<\/a>.<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Click here for an explanation of the The Ways We Struggle guest post series. Please welcome author Jessica Spotswood, whose debut YA novel Born Wicked was released last month! Jessica grew up in a tiny one-stoplight town in Pennsylvania, where … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[14],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1855"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1855"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1855\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1858,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1855\/revisions\/1858"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1855"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1855"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.megancrewe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1855"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}