Megan Crewe – another world, not quite ours

December 29, 1995 (Megan is 15)

We watched a movie called THE MAN IN THE MOON tonight. In it, this girl falls in love with a guy who’s 17 (she’s 14) but he and her sister fall in love later (when they meet). [My cousin] and [my other cousin] and X were saying that they hated the older sister, but I don’t see why. Just because she (the younger sister) liked the guy first didn’t mean he belonged to her. And although he did start to like her, it was more as a friend.

How can you say one love is more important than another? The only reason it is right that the older sister and the guy got together is that they both loved each other, whereas it was one-sided, or would have been, with the younger sister. It wouldn’t be fair to the two to give up happiness because her feelings would be hurt, and her feelings would have been hurt anyway, ’cause he didn’t like her in that way any more.

The one thing that is really important to think of is that nobody chooses for someone to love them. You can’t blame a person because the one you love loves them and not you. And you can’t blame the one either. That’s the thing with love–you can’t control it, define it, or restrain it. You can blame it, but it won’t do anyone a lot of good. That’s just the way it is.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

August 20, 1997 (Megan is 16)

We were canoeing around the lake (N and I) and as we were coming back into the bay we spotted a blue hero on the shore. As we watched, it stared into the water, leaned forward, paused, leaned closer, paused, then shot into the water head first, wings spreading over the surface of the water. When it emerged it was holding a sunfish in its beak. It flew off with the fish to eat it. That was really interesting to see.

Lesson of the heron — prepare yourself quietly, wait patiently, and when your goal is within sight, snatch it up as fast as you can.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

February 14, 1996 (Megan is 15)

Well, gotta call N now and see what she thinks.

Which is basically nothing. She didn’t think it really mattered which in a way kinda ticks me off. I mean, she talks about X twice as long and I don’t say, well, I don’t think whatever really matters. I might say I don’t think it means something (in regards to whether he likes her or not), but saying it doesn’t matter is like saying it doesn’t matter to her. And it wasn’t like she was saying it so I shouldn’t let it bother me. She said it like she wanted to get on to some other topic. Don’t get any ideas neither — I’d only discussed it with her for about 5 minutes or maybe ten. It just annoys me. She never seems to care about my confusion over B but she expects me to explain everything about X to her and to listen to countless pointless stories about him…

Maybe I’m ignoring things I’ve done and forgotten but it seems like when I don’t want to do something for her, she’s all self-righteous like “I would do it for you” but when she actually has to do something for me she doesn’t want to.

I’m probably totally misinterpreting this, but oh well.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

June 1995 (Megan is 14)

It is amazing how the tiniest thing could weigh on my mind so much. I keep remembering his hand was shaking when I was trying to help him with his math. The shaking of a hand comes to express the whole nervousness I feel around him. And, somehow, that little thing has become proof that he feels the same way. Such a little thing.

Words cannot express the feeling when you finally have something that proves more than anything really could something you’ve wanted for so long. Just the fact that he called as soon as he woke up, well, I just have to smile.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

October 14, 1996 (Megan is 15)

I wonder if I will continue to write for teens after I am no longer one myself. One of the main reasons I don’t write from an adult’s perspective is that for the most part I can’t, as I’ve never been an adult so how can I know how they think? And when I’m an adult, will I remember how I thought as a teenager? I guess this and my journal will help, because I hope I am writing these thoughts accurately. But how much can you learn from written word?

I can write from a guy’s perspective only by reading several books written by guys, from a guy’s point of view. But despite all of the books I’ve read from an adult’s point of view, the moment I stuck a foot in that direction, I’d trip and fall flat on my face. I guess age is a lot harder to change than gender thinking, and probably my guy characters aren’t wonderful anyway.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

Context: I had invited B over to my house to study for exams together. He was supposed to arrive at 3:00.

December 14, 1995 (Megan is 14)

It’s 3:40 and B isn’t here yet. He phoned me at 2:30 to get the directions ’cause his dad threw out the sheet, and said he was going to leave right then. But I don’t know what happened, ’cause he’s not here and I just phoned his house and no one answered so he’s not there. He must have gotten lost or something. I hope he doesn’t come while I’m baby-sitting, or phone, ’cause then I’ll miss him. I wonder what the heck happened to him? I hope he’s okay.

It is now 5:45 and I called B again about a half hour ago, but again no one picked it up. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s not supposed to answer the phone if no one else is home, like N. But that doesn’t explain why he hasn’t called me to tell me why he didn’t show up. It’s so stupid. I don’t see how he can go and act like he wants to come over when he doesn’t even care enough to call. I mean, what kind of game is this? ‘Cause it does seem like a game. “Let’s see how much pain I can inflict here,” that’s what it would be called. It is so incredibly stupid. He had a million times to back out or lie to get out of it. He could have just said no at the beginning, or said his father said he couldn’t, or anything. And what bugs me the most is that he must have meant to come. Why else would he call? So what is the point of all this? So I can write about the wonderful experience of liking someone who doesn’t even care? Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve been alternating between feeling like I’m going to cry and feeling like I’m going to throw up since about 3:30. It isn’t very pleasant. Hopefully, I’ll actually get a hold of him next time I call, so I can find out what he has to say for himself. I don’t know if I’m going to keep trying. Unless his reason is really good, probably not. It’s not worth it. It probably never was. Too bad I only learn that now.

Okay, I’m getting worried now. It’s 8:18 and I just called B again, and no one answered. His dad should be home by now even if he (B) is not picking up the phone, so someone should be answering. Unless something did happen to B somehow, like he got hurt or something. I don’t know. Or his dad could just be working late. Still… I hope I see him tomorrow.

I really hate this because the whole time I’ve been telling myself that he isn’t going to end up coming, and then I was so close to it I believed it was actually going to happen, but it didn’t after all.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

1995 (Megan is 14)

from January 1995

After I finished my first novel, I was unable to get inspired for about a month. What I mean by inspired is that the writing didn’t flow. When I am writing something that’s going to work, I don’t have to spend much time working things out. Anyway, during the month, I wrote a short story for English. It flowed. Very much so. I got 100% on it in fact. So I have a theory. When I’m not writing anything big, I have a lot of stored up “flowing power” so when I do write something, it’s really good.

from March 1995

My writing philosophy is to write something original that people remember; to make people think about themselves and their lives; and to make them never want to stop reading, even after the story is finished.

from May 1995

If someone were to ask me why I like to write, I’d have to say it’s very simple and very complicated. Writing is comparable to major activities in my life. One might as well ask why I like to breathe or eat. As for the complicated part, it’s like this. Writing is the special thing in my life. I feel totally happy when I’m writing something that’s flowing. It’s the joy of creation. I can’t think of how to explain it better.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

March 19, 1997 (Megan is 16)

For some reason, we (girls) seem to have the need to find a guy to like at all times. We’ll just stick onto the most compatible guy in our current environment, even if we like someone else who’s gone for a while. I don’t know why this is; perhaps we feel we have to love something; it’s like an outlet for emotional energy. Guys, who tend to get rid of emotional energy in physical ways–sports, harassing each other, etc.–don’t seem to have this problem. Or perhaps they do, but we just don’t know about it.

Because of all that stated above, I believe that if you’ve liked a guy once, you can again. After all, unless he’s had a personality transplant or a lobotomy, he’ll still possess the qualities which made him compatible to you. But he’ll probably also still have whatever qualities caused the relationship not to work out. Therefore one should steer clear of previous likes–unless it was not he that made the relationship fall apart.

This rule especially stands if you don’t like anyone else at the moment. At the beginning of this school year, I almost started liking B again, but I caught myself just in time. Now I just avoid him as much as possible. Thankfully, he’s the only past like who still goes to Riverdale. It was the worst when D was there–it’s hard to expand one’s personality when someone keeps reminding you of how pathetic you were.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline

January 19, 1996 (Megan is 15)

L also annoyed me today. Maybe I was just in an easily annoyed mood or something. Anyway, I was doing badly at volleyball, as usual, and L says to me ‘why don’t we switch places?’, ’cause she wants to win or something and I’m like, well, I’ll end up here again anyway, ’cause we rotate through the positions, you know. She is so critical of people sometimes, really quick to get annoyed when they’re not doing things right. (For example, I was telling her about the thing with that girl at lunch, and she was saying that if she wants to be with us in gym class, she’ll say no, ’cause she doesn’t like her and “she’s always causing trouble”. Personally I don’t mind the girl so much as long as she’s not being rude, and I don’t care about these things like doing well in gym. I mean, it’s just a game, who cares who wins?)

Anyway, I was thinking that if I wrote her as a character in a story, she probably wouldn’t recognize herself. Neither would most of my friends, or those who I know well enough to write (i.e., L, C, B, maybe Y, Z, [friend], [friend], or [friend]. [Friend].) oh yeah, and N, but I think she would recognize herself. But the thing is, would I recognize myself? Am I doing things that annoy people and just not realizing it? It’s very possible, and in a way that scares me, not to know what other people think of me. And I never will.

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An Introduction to Flashbacks
The Flashback Cast
The Flashback Timeline